If you're the parent of a toddler, and are currently homeschooling or plan to homeschool, you're probably also trying to sift through the plethora of available information about both concepts. One very important part of toddler home education I'd like to focus on this week is having a realistic yet optimistic view of the toddler development process. Come along for the ride!
What is a Toddler?
Because toddlers toddle, the dictionary synthesizes the age range as 12-36 months or 1-3 years; other sources cap toddlerhood at 4 to overlap preschool ages. Child is currently a toddler by either of these definitions.
Physically
For this section, I'm choosing Mayo Clinic rather than CDC because in 2023 their milestone lists were revised to be more inclusive, but that has the result of decreasing needed early intervention for some . . . PTs, OTs, and SLPs are--professionally--grumpy about it). At around 1 year old, a typically developing toddler will transition from lying down to sitting (without support) to crawling, stand and cruise holding on with 0-2 hands, finger feed him/herself, and move/bang objects using a pincer grasp (thumb and index finger).
Between 1 and 2 years old, added skills typically include walking on level surfaces and stairs, squatting, pulling a toy, using a cup and spoon, stacking, and starting to help dress and undress him/herself. By age 2, further added skills often include standing on one's tiptoes, kicking an object, starting to "run", navigating stairs and furniture by climbing, throwing and carrying objects, emptying containers, making taller stacks, opening and closing doors, and showing a hand preference.
In the 3-4 year old age range, more adult-like movement patterns emerge, such as walking up and down stairs with alternating legs, dressing and undressing fairly independently, using scissors, and unscrewing jar lids. Additionally, children continue refining their climbing, ball skills, standing balance (one leg and bending over/back), and ability to copy simple shapes.
Cognitively/Socially
Around 1 year of age, most children can play "peek-a-boo" because of object permanence (if I see you hide something, it didn't cease to exist). They'll imitate others when they play and start to use objects for intended uses (praxia). Separation anxiety is pretty prominent around 12-15 months. Halfway through the year, children start handing objects to others (and swiping them back!), showing emotions such as affection and fear, and potentially having tantrums.
By age 2, the imitation abilities are strengthened, and growing independence leads to more parallel play (alongside rather than interacting with others). Children can find hidden objects, sort objects by shape and/or color, complete familiar sentences in stories, and play easy make-believe games. Chore-wise, most can follow 1- or 2-step instructions.
Between 3-4 years, vocabulary (section below) has increased enough for children to name most objects, sort them into categories, follow 3-step commands, pretend more elaborately, remember complete stories, and work on puzzles. Importantly for discipline and emotional regulation, the abilities of counting and understanding the basics of time do not emerge until this age window.Linguistically
Here, Child is a bit toward the left end of the bell curve. However, there's a family history of late talking, so that's what I'm anticipating. Generally, in infancy and toddlerhood, receptive language (understanding what is being said) develops before expressive language (saying things oneself). At age 1, receptive language skills include understanding "no." Expressive language abilities include scribbling, using body gestures to communicate where words won't do, and imitating sounds. By 18 months, most children refine their scribbling, use 10-25 words including "no" (which Child does not!), point to people and objects, repeat parts of conversations, and "answer" questions with actions.
Age 2 developments include more proficient scribbling, knowing the names of many people and objects, following directions, and speaking in 2-4 word sentences that may or may not be grammatical. Vocabulary explodes to several hundred words by age 3-4, and intelligibility (to others besides Mama) makes a leap around age 4. The typical child can tell stories, complete sentences, and verbally answer questions as a result.
What are Challenges of Toddlerhood?
There's a reason the age is called "terrible twos" or "terrible threes" - how would you react to someone who previously has been dependent but is now realizing that they want to be independent but without all adult abilities and knowledge? Challenges can, in my brain, be sorted into three main reasons.
Separate Personhood
The emergence of one's own conscious identity does not happen in infancy! It's different for each person, but eventually a child realizes that s/he is not the same person as Mama. That can feel traumatizing and energizing at the same time, and because the brain isn't fully developed, s/he doesn't know what to do with those feelings. The automatic response? Make cathartic noise and throw things, or use the word "no" constantly.
Limited Rational Capacity
The "seat" of rational thinking (making good choices, exercising patience, and other executive functions) is mostly in the frontal lobe of the brain. From a neuro-developmental perspective, the efficient use of this lobe takes decades to refine. In toddler years, the rear parts of the brain (for vision, hearing, and speech) are more developed than the rational areas. While there are abundant connections between neurons throughout the brain at this time, the pruning of the excess/less-used connections.
What does this mean, practically? (1) You can't use argument or logic with a toddler to get your point across. (2) they'll listen to emotion far more than they'll listen to what's actually true (if at all), and (3) a meltdown is the worst time for yelling but a far better time for a tight hug. In the meantime, model rationality as much as you can.
Diminutive Size
The motor skills in the previous section require that the child can access the objects and equipment needed to perform the skill. Are crayons stored on a shelf more than 3 feet off the ground? Your child will need to ask you for help to get them, verbally or nonverbally. Are the stairs gated, blocking the way to the toys in Child's bedroom? Break down the gate or rattle it until a parent comes! Is your child curious about what you're cooking? S/he can't see from the floor, so set them on a safe part of the counter to watch.
How Can You Reframe the "Terrible"?
Because The Mother's Almanac has been so helpful to me already, I'm basing this section on a combination of that and my personal application of it to Child. The edition I own is the first one, though the linked version is the revised edition. The authors' style is a hoot to read.
The good parts of early childhood, in their view, are abundant. A few of these pertinent to toddlers include
- Preserving of naps (usually) and the love of routine
- Anxious to please one's parents
- Love of talking games to learn vocabulary and concepts
- Angles of personality showing up around walking age
- Impetus of independence combined with motor control
- Less need for toys than for real objects
- More illnesses starting around 18 months (earlier if the child goes to daycare)
- Parental energy drain from starting to play "catch-up" with the child starting around 18 months
- Shift toward rebellion around 21 months, corresponding with increasing independence without a parallel increase in rationality
- Around 2 years old, emphasize to yourself that the age is both exciting and exhausting.
- At the same time (p. 26), "your child's behavior makes more sense when you realize that he can understand a process only if he undoes it first and repeats it often."
- When the child wants more independence, help him or her with this--provide easy-to-handle clothes for dressing and (later) toileting, and neither too many nor too few choices
- These choices should all be acceptable to you as the parent - not "do you want to get dressed today?" but "which shirt do you want to wear?"
- Because of toddler mood swings, recognize that they can be truly instantaneous, so don't make a big deal out of most things--reserve that for truly vital issues
- Around age 2.5, counteract the inherent rigidity of your toddler by changing up the routine by just a little bit each day
- Most early discipline should and can be done via body language
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